UGH

There is a million and one reasons why we hold on to so many things that people do to us. I think the majority of it boils down to the pain that some one causes us. But I’m not talking about someone that hurt us as an adult, I’m referring to the pain that is caused while we are children that literally shapes our minds and hearts as we grow into a world that can be very unforgiving. Truth be told every single person on the planet has been hurt once or twice so bad in their lives, the majority of us hold on to that pain and carry that in and out of relationships, into careers, and we may even carry until the day we die.

Last week, My mother reached out to me through Facebook. I hadn’t talked to her in seven years. It caused a domino effect of events that rippled my life once again, all because I cannot let go of the hurt that she and the majority of my family caused me. I had to reach out to my estranged Aunt who shunned me along with the majority of my family, just to get the police records of my mom pulled; so that I could file a personal protection order against my mom, to prevent her from talking to me. I have every right to file a PPO(personal protection order) against my convicted sex offender mother. But it wasn’t until after I had received the police records that I realize something.

You see my entire life I would do whatever everyone else told me to do, followed by spurts of “Fuck you, I’m leaving and standing for myself”. I hadn’t let go.

Here I am sitting here holding on to all the pain because I felt guilty. Guilty that I told on my mom and literally altered the events of my family and their lives forever. I felt guilty that I left my now ex-husband and his family. Guilty that I broke my my Aunts heart and forced then to choose a religion over me. I felt sad for all the years that I was going to continuously miss out on. I felt angry that this was the hand of cards I was dealt.

Then I realized while reading my police records. Its not my fault. It doesn’t matter how bad I hurt my mother nor my family. I didn’t choose to rape my daughter and son, my mom did. I didn’t choose a religion over my family member because they chose a life style, my family did. Everyone around me made choices that hurt and I was just reacting to their choices. I was choosing to take responsibility for the choices that others have made when they are not even my burden to bear. But after reading my records I realized that the only person I have to ever really take care of is me. That its okay to let go of the responsibility of what others have chosen to do. My life will still go on no matter what my mom does or what my family chooses to do.

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