July 26, 2009

‘Brittany, You are such a selfish B****. Why can’t you just listen to me? What we did last night.. Take that to your grave. It never happened! You better forget everything, or else I will leave you and you will be alone forever.’  ‘I hate you’ ‘Your so fat, I’m never letting you eat again.’ – My mom

I remember these words that were uttered at me regularly. They were a lie. Just a part of my mothers game to confuse and play on my fears of loneliness. Thankfully I am not one that likes to avoid my fears.

I shook uncontrollably as I sat in the living room of the house that I had called home my whole life. I felt this weight of the world feeling, like a five thousand pound object just sitting on my chest and it was slowly suffocating me. I knew I had already made up my mind on what I was about to do, but my heart wasn’t ready to face the heart ache and reality of the situation I had yet to confront. It felt like a lifetime had already past and I was only fifteen years old.  I closed my eyes and felt the words that were uttered to me so many times. ‘Take it to your grave! You better or else I’ll leave you and you will be alone.’ I stood up crying as hard as I could and began to walk with great weight to the stairs of my parents bedroom. As I glanced up the stairs, I realized this was it. It was time to follow through with the decision I made. It was time to tell Dad what mom was doing.

I darted up the stairs as though my life depended on it. I ran past my mom and dove into the bed. My parents were arguing at the side of the bed and my brother was sitting up in the bed. He was crying and yelling. He reached over and grabbed me as tight as he could. My mothers attention swerved to me on the bed. ‘Brittany, come down stairs right now; Let’s go now.’

I couldn’t move. My mother had a hold of my left arm and my brother was holding my side while firmly grasping my right arm. I was terrified. It took all my dad’s strength to push my mother down the stairs and out of ear shot of me. When my dad returned to ask what was wrong all I could say was ‘Mom is cheating on you with me. I’m so sorry, please don’t hate me.’ I felt so terrible to have to say that to my dad but I couldn’t have bared that secret any longer. I only gave myself two choices, either I killed myself or I would tell the truth. I chose myself over my mother.

My father got me out of the situation that night and by the morning I was in the police station sharing the details of my daily life. It turns out the majority of what I called ‘normal’ was in fact ‘not normal’. I remember spilling everything to the detective but it wasn’t until months later when I was sitting in family court hearing my mother talk about disciplining me, that I had fully realized that my entire life thus far had been a web of deceit, betrayal and abuse.

Some people spend their whole lives doing what everyone else wants to do. In the most loneliest moment of my life I found my voice and spoke up against my mother. I will never forget that moment that I let my voice speak loud, July 26th, 2009.

 

 

 

 

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