My Dad

“Your going to die for being a lesbian, come back to God and repent for your sin.” – My dad.

I have seen a very dark side of this world. My family completely cutting me off as if I died and they flushed me down the drain. 

As I sat in the car my worst fear unraveled right before my eyes. My dad was on the phone with me uttering the words above. Tears streaming down my face as I sat there unable to speak a clear thought. I was being disowned for who I was. 

I often have spoken of the pain caused by my mother and how I endured it. But speaking of my father hurts somewhat worse. You see I was use to being tortured by my mother, I came to the decision myself to walk away from my mother at 14 years old. But I did not make the choice for my father to make the decision to shun me. 

My father didn’t see it that way. He considered it an attack from “Satan”. He considered me to be the one choosing to leave them and go directly against what religious standards. Sadly those words uttered by my father above, were the last words I have heard from him. It’s been years now. 

As I sat in that car listening to my father on that hot June day. Tears running down my face snot pouring out my nose. I felt broken. I felt ashamed to be who I was. I felt so conflicted for choosing to not follow what my family so desperately controlled me in. My heart felt like it was being drained of the blood. I couldn’t bare this conversation with my brother, my aunt, my uncle, my grandma, and the many friends I had created over the years. But I knew more than anything in that moment that I needed this for me. It was such a conflicting feeling.

Family is supposed to support you. They are supposed to protect their own and stand by them over all else. But as my mother showed me… family doesn’t always do what they should be doing as family. The truth is I had been raised knowing that homosexuality was wrong that if someone pursued that lifestyle there would be no place for them in the religion and ultimately within the family. I knew from a young age that I would lose everything I had if I chose to follow what I also knew from the moments I could remember…I only felt connections and attraction for women. 

Over the years I was very vocal about this which caused tons of friction in my family. I was told I was grossed, wrong and unnatural. 

When I found my voice at 14 years old I told myself I would never let another person control me and that I myself would have so many more life changing decisions but ultimately I would have to remember that voice. I lost my voice for awhile followed what my family wanted. Then it hit me that this was MY LIFE not my dads, not my aunts, not my brothers, not even my mothers life and if I could make such a profound decision to choose let go of my mother that I also had another very disturbing decision to face… would I let go of my hopes and dreams of being with a woman or would I lose everything I had to pursue my life long dream of spending my life with a woman. 

The words my father spoke hurt but there just words spoken by a now stranger I use to know. Every day I wake up I prove even more so that my family and mother are wrong. They were wrong for holding me back and controlling my life. I am reminded daily by my memories just how free I am! 

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