Vows

I stood in front of everyone in my world and vowed a vow that I could not keep.

I was given a choice to either be shunned or to marry a man I hardly knew. My voice was striped from my soul. I had spent years confined and restricted by my concerned family who tried desperately to prevent me from leaving the “religion”. The hardest thing was sitting in a crowded room feeling empty and alone. The truth is the day I spoke up at 14/15 yrs old… I was doomed in my heart to choose something contrary to what my family wanted for me. Why did I marry a man? I saw no other option but to go with what my family wanted me to do. I desperately held on to what love I could get from my family because I thought all I needed was for my family to love me. That was all I wanted for a time. 

The moment I began walking down the aisle to my soon-to-be husband I knew it wasn’t going to be it for me. That I wasn’t going to be happy unless I was completely free from the “religion” I was being forced to follow. As I spoke my vows saying words and promises I could not keep. I vowed to myself that I would have to settle and accept what everyone wanted for me. My wedding night, just reaffirmed this fact. I was settling for a man. I spent years ashamed of myself for allowing my family to speak for me. I spent so much time wishing I could take back my voice. I tried to escape so many times. I ached within my bones for the life I was told so many times was disgusting. 

After two years of marriage… I was sitting outside after a screaming match with my husband and I began to think of what my life should be and where I’m at. I hated God because of the the fact that so much bad happened and he wasn’t there. I hated my family for forcing me to make such a life changing decision and making me be something they knew I wasn’t ever going to fully be. I hated myself… I hated that I allowed others to make such important life decisions. I hated that I wasn’t being true to what I really was. I felt like a coward. That day I started planning my future. I vowed To myself that I would have everything I had with my husband but this time it would be with a woman in my arms and kids around us not because it was forced but because it was a choice… that I made and wanted within my heart. 

Now I sit here in McDonald’s relaxing and smiling. Because I made that choice. It was painful. It was scary and absolutely life changing. But it changed me and defined who I was. I am not the same person who said that vow so many years ago. I am so happy that I’m not still laying in a bed with a man I tried desperately to make happy. 

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