I grew up with a mom who told me I was ugly everyday but I feel like the most beautiful woman today.
I stood there in front of my mother completely naked, crying and empty. I was a joke to be laughed at. An object that had factory defects. Something that was non- refundable.
What makes a mother laugh at her daughters body? What makes it okay to starve, to beat and to mentally demolish your daughter?
From the first moments we open our eyes and see this world we see very few people. We look for our mother to protect and nourish us. To keep us safe.
I stood there numb. I had been laughed at and ridiculed for a slight butch in my stomach. Every imperfection had been the object of laughter for my mother. I felt empty no emotion could reflect the pain of the humiliation from my mother.
It wasn’t until years later that I finally understood that what she was saying wasn’t words for me… it was what she had thought of herself. My mother felt like a slut, a whore, a selfish bitch, she felt ugly, and even disgusting. Any trait I showed or tried to imitate of my mother forced my mother to realize what I could not be… her. My mother even told me many times how jealous she was of me.
This is not to make excuses for my mother and what she did. What she did to me throughout my childhood was illegal and goes against every ounce of moral and ethic standard of society. She allowed herself to become everything that’s wrong in this world because she blinded herself to her self pity and self blame.
But I stand here now proud of my body and my life. I feel like I’m the luckiest person alive to have this life. I have had tears pain and even spent days self loathing. But I grew from it. I learned to look in the mirror and see myself not my mother. I learned to grow and take responsibility for my choices. The greatest lesson I learned… that it’s my responsibility to clean up the mess of my own life no one else has the right nor that privilege to stand for me or help me heal from what I went through.
I am more than what my mother wanted for me.